Accounting Jokes

The definitive site for humour about all things accounting

Category Archives: Parsimony

Pearly gates


An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St. Peter, who goes through the usual questionnaire.

“What sort of accountant are you?” asks St. Peter.

“Public practitioner,” is the reply.

“Name?”

He gives his name. St. Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

“Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted span,” he says.

“How can that be?” says the accountant. “I’m too young to go. I’m only 48.”

“No, that’s impossible.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well, we’ve been looking at your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning, you’re at least 93.”

Bearings


An auditor is checking the books of an airline.  He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.

“It was late at night,” says the pilot, “Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings.”

“I’m sorry,” says the auditor, “but you’ll have to pay the cost yourself.”

“The cost of what?” asks the pilot.

“Of the bearings you lost.”

Heart transplant


The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.

“This is good news.  It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.”

The patient is pleased.  He asks, “What were their jobs?”

“One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.”

“I’ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient.  “I want one that hasn’t been used.”

Pumpkins


The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”

Heart of stone


A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds.

He goes over and says, “Can I help? Have you lost something? ”

“No,” says one of the doctors. “We’re about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

Audit work 2


Why did he cross back?

So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

Laugh out loud


When do accountants laugh out loud?

When somebody asks for a raise

Soft CFO


How can you tell when the Chief Financial Officer is getting soft?

When he actually listens to the Director of Marketing before saying no